Changing Others
Wouldn’t life be so much easier if people would just think, feel, and behave in the way we want them to? Deep down, we know that we can’t make other people act in certain ways, but that doesn’t stop us from trying. We think that if we just try harder or find the right way to explain why our way is better, then they will change. But how often does this really work?
The desire to change others is often well-intentioned. We can see that certain things are holding them back and we want to help them have a better life. They just have to ‘get it’ and have the same vision for their life as we have for them. However, often they don’t get it. If we push the vision and pressure them to change, we are falling into the trap of trying to get them to be someone they do not want to be.
The changes we want in others can be small or big. It can be as small as some kind of social etiquette that someone is not following, it can be as big as requiring more financial responsibility, or it can be anything in-between. Regardless of specifics, there are certain options we have:
We can try to control or force people to change.
We can try to persuade them to change but explaining or demonstrating the benefits of changing.
We can decide to change our expectations and live within the situation.
We can decide whether we want to live within the situation if it doesn’t change.
Saying that we can’t change others might sound like I’m suggesting that we never try to influence someone to change. To be clear, I believe that the loving thing to do is to show people where their actions might be hurting themselves or others. We should never look the other way when people are being irresponsible or hurtful and allow them to continue in this. I believe we have a responsibility to help people see what they are doing and the possible outcomes or consequences of this.
Telling someone that they have spinach in their teeth can be uncomfortable and we might want to take the easy road of looking away. But if I love someone, I will accept the discomfort of telling them. And I would like them to tell me too. We shouldn’t be passive in our relationships. Loving each other means that we try to influence each other to create the best possible outcomes.
Where this gets murky is when we don’t respect the freedom of others to decide for themselves whether, when, or how they will change. If we continue to try to force or coax the change, either they will get angry and resentful, or we will. Most likely, we both will. This path is not the loving one and never creates positive relationships. We can only offer our thoughts, insights, suggestions, or even consequences if there is no change, and then we must leave them to choose their path for themselves. We cannot make the choice for them. What we can do is decide how we will respond to their choices.
The topic of consequences or boundaries is often misunderstood. Stating consequences or creating boundaries is not another way of trying to get people to do what we want. Rather, it is about us choosing our response to their decisions. If someone chooses not to be more financially responsible, we can choose not to rescue them or to take on the consequences of their decisions.
Setting these boundaries helps people to be clear about the results of their choices. It also helps us by clarifying our thinking and keeping us from continually trying to force a change that is not going to happen. Although people might not like our decision or boundary, being clear about it can help to maintain a relationship by preventing misunderstandings or conflicting expectations about the situation.
What I have learned (and keep having to relearn) is that I can’t get someone to do something they don’t want to do. This is because people always have the freedom to choose how they will think, feel, and behave. Their actions are always a reflection of those choices. When I try to make someone do something, I am trying to change them into something they are not. This never works. I can perhaps influence them, but I cannot change them. All I can do is decide how I will think, feel, and behave. And that’s ok.