Accepting Ourselves
Hello friends. Last time I talked about discovering ourselves and not relying on the opinions of others to shape our self-perception. The process of discovery means that we become more aware of both our positive and negative traits. This can be difficult at times – as we become more aware of our faults and flaws, we might feel the need to negate, resist, or to beat ourselves up and shame ourselves into changing. We do this to try to protect our self-image but it’s not helpful and not productive. Once we’ve created awareness, the next step is to accept ourselves for who we are, good and bad, light and shadow.
Acceptance from others is important to us. We all want people to accept us for who we are. But we know that people usually have to like us before accepting us, which leads to us hiding certain parts of ourselves that we deem to be less likeable, and behaving in ways that conform to those around us.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t achieve the goal of true acceptance as it lacks the foundational step of revelation of ourselves to others. If they don’t know who we are, they are unable to fully accept who we are. We have taken that choice away from them through pre-empting and protecting ourselves from a decision that we think will be hurtful. If they do like and accept the version of ourselves we have put forward, they are only accepting the aspects of ourselves that we choose to show.
Accepting our faults, flaws, and weaknesses can take the sting out of them. When we are able to accept these and integrate this knowledge into ourselves, we can accept when others see them too. And they do!
One thing that I have finally and reluctantly accepted about myself is that I am not a great driver. I can get myself from A to B but I have no sense of direction, I often don’t know exactly where to turn, and I break out into a cold sweat at the thought of parallel parking. I’m fine when it’s just me in the car but I get nervous when I have passengers, especially if they start to “help” me drive. I think this comes from my desire to be seen as a good driver, so acknowledging that I’m not is very freeing. I don’t have to try to prove it or shy away from driving so that people don’t discover the awful truth that I’m not a great driver. If someone thinks I’m not a good driver, I can now agree with them instead of getting defensive or reactive. We’re both on the same page and there’s no need for conflict.
Here’s what I’ve learned: You can’t be all things to everyone. Not everyone is going to like you or accept you. You will absolutely be rejected by some people. And that’s OK. Acceptance of ourselves can free us from whatever degree of people-pleasing we engage in. When we know who we are and we are comfortable with that, we can be with others in more authentic and transparent ways. The funny thing is that when we do that, the people who we thought would reject us are more likely to accept us for who we actually are. And if they don’t, that just means that we’re not a good fit together. It says nothing about my intrinsic worth or theirs.